17 1 / 2012
Blast from the past
It’s no lie that words hurt. They do. They also stay with you. There are so many voices in my head repeating the words that have been said to me over the years.
“You’re uptight.” “You’re so annoying.” - An ex-boyfriend
“Guys will like you if you just lose a little weight.” - My dad
Those are just a few of the millions of insecurities I have yelling at me daily. It hurts that I still let things like that affect me. I might be over my ex, but I’m not over how I let him, and others since, treat me. Every guy that I’ve been involved with has hurt me. Tim used me and dumped me when I wouldn’t sleep with him. Eric used me to feel good about himself. The last one, well, he’s just an all-around douche. These guys have led me to believe that I’m not good enough, nor will I ever be good enough.
For Tim, I was just the “crazy bitch” that he dated while also hooking up with other girls while I was gone. He made me feel like I was insane when I didn’t trust him and then said he never planned on dating me for as long as he did. I was never pretty enough or slutty enough (which is fine) for him.
For Eric, I was just an ego boost. I was someone that he kept around because, as he said, “it’s nice to know that someone likes you.” But when I pointed out how that was unfair to me, he said, “Look, I don’t like you the way you like me. That’s life.”
For the last one, I was just someone to keep on a string. He knew he could always get me back by telling me that I was pretty or complimenting me. I’m a sucker for compliments because for so many years, I was never enough. He made me feel like I was almost enough, then he’d disappear. He’d come back, he’d disappear. I was just the girl he kept around for the times he didn’t have someone.
Through all these little instances, I’ve developed some bad habits. I find it hard to trust any guy because I’ve been cheated on and used. I’ve been told that I was crazy for thinking something when it turned out to be true. I was never the first choice for these guys and they let me know it.
For some reason, I started believing that I wasn’t good enough to be treated with decency and respect. I wasn’t pretty enough to be told I was beautiful. I wasn’t skinny enough to be loved. The only thing I learned was that I wasn’t enough. Why should anyone treat me nicely? I put up with the assholes for years. Now that I’m trying to move past this phase, I’m still stick in the past. I’m haunted by these situations and I feel that the guy I’m with will always have one eye looking around. I’m worried that I won’t be enough to keep or he’ll get bored and find someone else who gives him what he wants. I’m worried that my gift of gab will be too annoying to take. I’m worried that I don’t know the right way to show my feelings. I’m worried that I will be unable to show my feelings and I’ll screw it up.
These are the blasts from the past that haunt me. It’s hard to get over, but I’m trying.
